I have been in Chennai these past few days. And everyday I look for someplace to be in other than in front of the TV. Coz in Chennai, we have CAS-where they conditionally give you access to just those channels you never ever wanted to watch. I’ve got 70 odd channels on the TV in my guesthouse, and almost 60 of them are either Tamil or Telugu –languages that I just don’t understand well enough to appreciate what they are showing. That leaves me with the so-called 24 hour “NEWS” channels. I wonder whether the word news means something else for these channels whose only purpose in life is to say the same thing, over and over again, hour after hour, and make you feel that they have told you something new. Here is what these experts specialize in:
Breaking News: Almost everything is breaking news. Sportsmen doing this, actors doing that, politicians doing nothing. Why, they would call it breaking news even if somebody famous enough farts –well, maybe that last activity there is eventful enough to warrant some space on a channel that’s equally not-happening.
Headlines: This word is acquiring new dimensions with every different news channel. For one particular channel which funnily enough claims that the other channels are all blah blah, headlines mean Khali. Who is Khali? Hell, I didn’t know till I watched this channel. Now all I know is Khali.
Sting Operations: These would put the humble bee to shame. Dangle a tantalizingly beautiful woman before the most stoic man. If he doesn’t bite (no pun here), then get her to tease, seduce and tempt him. Else provide him loads of money. When the poor ass can take it no more and makes a false move, the channel gives him more fame, or infamy, than he would have ever dreamed possible. They would pull a sting on a poor dead soul if they could.
The Audience Poll : This has got to be the brainchild of some intelligent super-life form in the industry. Kamal Hassan released his latest movie, and this was the intelligent and oh-so-relevant question doing the rounds: “Is Kamal Hassan our greatest actor ever? We want your valuable opinion.”. Following an unfortunate dumb reality show on TV where a girl got paralyzed (apparently due to the criticism received from judges): “Who is to blame for Shinjini’s plight –judges or parents?” ???!!! What place does an audience poll have on a news channel? Does anyone give a rat’s ass (hard thing to catch these days, mind you) about what people feel anyway???
There’s a story about a man who used to go to this tailor all the time to get his shirts stitched. One day, he wanted more out of his deal with the tailor and told him that this time, he wanted to get 5 shirts stitched out of the same piece of cloth which earlier used to fetch him just one. The tailor agreed. And what did the man get? He got the five shirts that he asked for alright. Only, they were just about the size of his palms. But we never asked them to provide us breaking news by the minute, did we? Guess sometimes we also get what we don’t ask for.
By the way, did you know –never mind…they probably told you already :-D
Shain
Breaking News: Almost everything is breaking news. Sportsmen doing this, actors doing that, politicians doing nothing. Why, they would call it breaking news even if somebody famous enough farts –well, maybe that last activity there is eventful enough to warrant some space on a channel that’s equally not-happening.
Headlines: This word is acquiring new dimensions with every different news channel. For one particular channel which funnily enough claims that the other channels are all blah blah, headlines mean Khali. Who is Khali? Hell, I didn’t know till I watched this channel. Now all I know is Khali.
Sting Operations: These would put the humble bee to shame. Dangle a tantalizingly beautiful woman before the most stoic man. If he doesn’t bite (no pun here), then get her to tease, seduce and tempt him. Else provide him loads of money. When the poor ass can take it no more and makes a false move, the channel gives him more fame, or infamy, than he would have ever dreamed possible. They would pull a sting on a poor dead soul if they could.
The Audience Poll : This has got to be the brainchild of some intelligent super-life form in the industry. Kamal Hassan released his latest movie, and this was the intelligent and oh-so-relevant question doing the rounds: “Is Kamal Hassan our greatest actor ever? We want your valuable opinion.”. Following an unfortunate dumb reality show on TV where a girl got paralyzed (apparently due to the criticism received from judges): “Who is to blame for Shinjini’s plight –judges or parents?” ???!!! What place does an audience poll have on a news channel? Does anyone give a rat’s ass (hard thing to catch these days, mind you) about what people feel anyway???
There’s a story about a man who used to go to this tailor all the time to get his shirts stitched. One day, he wanted more out of his deal with the tailor and told him that this time, he wanted to get 5 shirts stitched out of the same piece of cloth which earlier used to fetch him just one. The tailor agreed. And what did the man get? He got the five shirts that he asked for alright. Only, they were just about the size of his palms. But we never asked them to provide us breaking news by the minute, did we? Guess sometimes we also get what we don’t ask for.
By the way, did you know –never mind…they probably told you already :-D
Shain
5 comments:
Shain,
Oh what a perfect post. I'm sure many people empathise with you. I've become desperate enough to watch good old Doordarshan News cos thats the only one which gives us news without some silly little prumpet (that's a puppet dressed like a strumpet) giving us her inane views on why A&A are the most happening couple in filmdom, Indiadom and even Domdom!
Doordarshan..*sigh* i miss their tune..
And how could i forget abt A&A??!!!
Ha ha. You could say the same for newspapers too. But then, if not for them, where do you get your daily dose of garam masala from?
Jimbo, atleast with a newspaper, you dont have enough that would force you to read for 24 hours! U are usually done with the whole thing within half an hour..And think of all the other uses that u can put a newspaper to..u can use it to pack, to burn, to stuff, and in certain situations, even to wipe body parts :-D
Now can a newschannel boast about all that???? :-DD
Wipe body parts?? Hmm... suddenly I am all that enthu about making you buy the newspaper am workin for :D
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