Echoes From The Past

I spent one whole hour yesterday staring at a very innocuous object. The object of my attention was my mobile phone. Now you may wonder why on Chennai was I drooling over something which is usually silent for all but a few seconds in a day. Fact is people, I was caught between two minds-and the cell phone was at the heart of the matter.

I was contemplating on whether or not I should call up someone from my now distant past.

She was part of a life that I had known two years back. No, she was not part of that life, she WAS it. I can almost see your eye brows raising as you see these words, so I am not going to bore you with all those gooey gooey feel good details of a love-ly past. It didn't last very long. Come to think of it, it ended very stupidly. Some day I will laugh thinking of how it ended. As of now, sometimes I still feel a lump in my throat when I look back.

The whole of last year I was in the very same city as she was. I stayed not more than a couple of miles away from her home. But I did not let my feet take me through her street. There were times when I let my eyes stray in the direction where I half expected to see her suddenly come out of. But that was all. I never thought of calling her, and I never did. It was hard.

Then a few months earlier I left Chennai for another place. I was happy in a way. This city and the place I worked in was too full of beautiful yet hurting memories. I was going to work in a place which would keep me away from her city.

I spent but a month where I was to be.Then I was at Coimbatore and two months later saw me back in Chennai. Life seemed to have come full cirle.

Yesterday night I felt a strong urge to call her. I knew her residence number. Who forgets things like that? But I kept thinking. Should I ? Why should I? What was there to talk about? Was I calling her only to mouth something as inane as "Hi. I was in town so I thought I'd call to see how you were." It would be nice to hear her voice again I thought. Hadn't heard something so soothing for two years. But then, that soothing voice would, on hearing mine, lose its warmth. It would become distant, withdrawn and cold.

I also thought that if her parents would pick up, they probably wouldn't want me to talk to her. (Now I know that I am being presumptuous).So I shouldnt be calling. But then I said to myself, "To hell with her folks." That's no excuse for not calling. Dialled her number. Stared at the screen for a whole minute or so. The screenlight slowly died out. In a minute more, the handset would get locked. I hit the call button. Before I could even put the cell to my ear, I had cut the call. Damn! CHICKEN!!!! But I was not. I just could not call her. I thought of other excuses. What if she would cut the line? (Now that was a damned silly reason. I was getting pretty close to paranoia) Cutting the line is not something to be scared of pal! But it would really be worth a few laughs. Go on. CALL!!. Hit the recall button. Saw that silly screen showing signals from one phone to another. I cut it again! This was not working at all.

I was not chicken. I could call her. I wanted to call her. Hear her voice again. Perhaps there would not be much to listen to. I knew she would say something like, "why did you call?" for which I would have some half-baked reply. It would still have been worth it. Anything would have been worth it. No, I wasn't chicken.

I realised that calling her was easy for me. But I knew that hearing me would not be easy on her. She was trying to start again. Trying to leave the past behind and get on with what was left. Hearing my voice again would probably bring her back to where we broke off (bad pun) two years back. I did not want to do that. Not again. I put the phone away for good that night.

I do not know whether I have done what was best. I may be wrong. I will never know. But hey, there still may be time to call her.I do not want to start anything again. That's not going to happen. But some day I would like to hear her voice again. Perhaps..may be.. (do I dare think of it?)..meet her again...